Being Married to a Dreamer

Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me,
starlight and dewdrops are awaiting thee.
Sounds of the rude world heard in the day,
Led by the moonlight have all passed away.

So last weekend when Carrie and Ashley and I had a chance for some extended conversation, one thing that of course came up was NYC. Ash started asking me more about Peyton's side of it and it occurred to me that I haven't fully talked about the decision in the context of our marriage beyond "This was Peyton's dream, this became our dream...yada yada". Sometimes I think I inadvertently convey that this is a dream he wouldn't be willing to sacrifice on the alter of marriage.

I actually really appreciate Ashley initiating this dialogue because first of all I think she was showing a true desire to better understand what makes Peyton tick. But more importantly, I think this conversation came out of a place of DEEP love and friendship and I think as one of my best friends, she really needed me to confirm to her that Peyton had thought hard about what he was asking of me- how potentially difficult and lonely and even frightening this could be for me. She knows Peyton is deeply analytical and works through most things thoroughly, but she also know he's human (and also kind of flighty in the sense that he loves to get an idea and run with it, let's be honest). And, she also knows, because she's one of my closest friends, that he has extremely high expectations for people. Including his wife. It felt so good that someone cares enough about me to want to talk through these things. It was neat to analyze this all in a safe and encouraging place and also to think about the journey the Lord has had me on and the way he's worked in our marriage and softened my heart to not just tolerate, but appreciate, the dreamer Peyton is. And also to teach me to better serve him by letting his dreams become our dreams.

Anyway, I thought I'd share more of my feelings on this.

The conversation got started as we were talking about Peyton's high expectations. Peyton is a man who has really high expectations for himself and for those around him. Fortuantly, I've never seen this manifest itself in a unhealthy way, but we've had conversations about making sure to find a balance with our children, espesially in the context of our sensitive child. We were talking about the things I often joke about on here and in life- doing cloth diapers, buying fair trade, ect. I think sometimes, I've complained in jest, and while those things have started out as activities and issues he was passionate about, I've never felt like they were burdens he put on me.

This transitioned into his expectations about NYC and would he be able to postpone or even relinquish his dream for my sake, were I to ask him to.

Honestly? I can't say for sure. Because I've never asked him to. And, barring something extreme, I will never ask him to.

Here's the thing-- when we got married, I honestly think me asking him to give up on this (not NYC specifically), but dreaming in general, would have been akin to him telling me he had changed his mind about having children. It was that central to who he was. And at that point, I think he was still adjusting to life with a family. If I'm honest, I really don't think he necessarily thought he would get married/have a family. And I think he was okay with that. For me on the other hand...that's sometimes hard to process. I mean, I know he'd *never* change his life now. But getting married and having kids have always been so central to who I am, it's weird to know I married a man who was different from me in that way. But also kind of cool, because you know, I was cool enough/sweet enough/pretty enough to woo him ;)

Now. That said, he's obviously in a different place. [But that was the place we were in when I made a (very serious) commitment to do this thing anyway, even with young children.] I know without a doubt in my heart if he thought this would be harmful or unhealthy or destructive for our family, he would let it go in a heartbeat. For example, if he wasn't a pharmacist (or another comparable job) and we couldn't realistically find a safe place to life up there, he'd let it go for the sake of me and the children even though he'd probably still do if he was a single guy. But we'd probably still find an urban area to live in, just where the cost of living was less. Or if he thought I couldn't handle it from an anxiety stand point, I know he'd let it go. My grandmother passed away right before our wedding and I was in such a deep state of grief and anxiety that I told him I literally did not think I could leave my family to go out of the country for our honeymoon. Peyton was so tender and full of grace and even though he had planned and paid for the trip, he told me that I didn't have to. We went and it was fine, but him giving me that assurance meant the world.

All that to say, I married him knowing full well what an integral part of him this is. And sometimes, I think he's making the bigger sacrifice by committing to me that we won't live this life indefinitely. I've said before that I'm living my dream by staying at home with the children and I want him to live his, but I get how to some people those are vastly different sorts of dreams. At the same time, both are so connected to who we are and how we've always envisioned our lives. I think probably a better example of asking Peyton to give this up would be him asking me to give up writing (not just blogging, but writing in any venue- even just for myself). It would be so, so hard for me to let that die, even for him. Similarly, I just couldn't ask him to change such a big part of himself.

And, really, I wouldn't want to change him. This is who I fell in love with. When he gets new crazy ideas (the latest is hiking the Appalacian Trial), I just feel like I need to go there with him. I know many (maybe most?) men would not go there with me as far as my anxiety the way he does. He realized long ago that saying "that's irrational" just felt very dismissive to me and now he helps me process through things. I feel like I owe him the same courtesy with his dreams and desires, even though that's such a different thing.

Also, I'm just to the point where I trust him so much (it wasn't always that way). I know he's not reckless and selfish (as Ash pointed out that she knew he wasn't) and at the end of the day if he asks something of me, I desperately want to do it. And because I know he cares so much about the kids and me and would never ask us to do something harmful (though he may, um does, ask us to do something hard), I trust him so completely.

Lastly, I think one reason I know I can commit to this is because of how well Peyton serves others, specifically in this case me and the children. I mentioned that I knew I'd miss having a library so close and he told me that we could add that to our list of housing priorities. I know he'll probably do the bulk of the grocery shopping in the city (as he does now). I've mentioned that I hated the idea of having only his Apple laptop and he told me he'd figure out a way to ship or move the desktop.

I think my friends were also really concerned about how I'd be successful with two really young kids in the city and that's another thing. I'm just going to have to set my standards low at first. If all we can do when Peyton is at work is go to the park and that library, that's fine. We'll do the "big" stuff when he can help us navigate it.

One reason I'm thankful I married Peyton is because of the ways he challenges me and helps me grow. When I was in college, I lived in Tahoe City for a month and it was one of the hardest times in my life, but also one of the most growing. I'm so thankful for that experience even though it all but broke me. And I'm so excited and hopeful for a similar experience (as far as learning to not depend on my family, or even myself, but the Lord), but I cannot tell you the absolute peace that it brings me that I get to do it with Peyton by my side.

This post seems *so* rambly to me, but really I made it as coherent as I could. It feels good to share him with y'all :)

Snapshots of a Journey's Begining

It's becoming a new thing for my days to be filled with thoughts of our future in the city. And, I'm realizing, it is for others as well.

Obviously, Peyton and I talk about it a great deal. Pretty much anytime Carrie and I get together, the topic comes up. Sometimes Annie's best friend says something particularly sweet and I get a little tight-chested thinking about ripping her away from a relationship that's becoming more and more real and more and more hers and her little friend's own. Every time I talk to El he tells me what a writing hub the city is. And I get really excited about the culture and the new people we'll meet and all the endless opportunities. This usually also ends with me begging him and Minda to move with us.

And clearly it's on my family's hearts lately, too. I'm starting to see it in tangible ways...

Cookie gave me an old jacket for NYC. And I wore it in our backyard the other afternoon. It was sixty degrees and I was miserable. This is going to be hard in a lot of ways. That said, Peyton has promised me electric blankets and unlimited CuddleDuds. He's a good man, for sure. I'm pretty tickled to be doing this with him.

And Minnie got me this. I wrote a post about my sampler love once on one of my other blogs. They're just very special to me. I know this one will become really meaningful. I'm excited about this adventure, I truly am. And I'm to the point where I can say it may last more than a year. It may last one. It may last three. And I will do my best to embrace every precious second we're given there. But there's no doubt in my mind that the best part will be coming home. [And make no mistake, there's a part of me that knows "home" is wherever Peyton, AP, and Graves are. But there's a part that knows another level of home. And that's here in Mississippi, and I think it always will be. This topic will likely become a whole post in itself at some point.]

Begining to Prepare (our lives and hearts) for the Big Adventure

When I created this blog two years ago, I really assumed I'd be posting on it some. Ovbiously. Not with real frequency, but enough to merit a blog.

But here we are, and I'm drafting post number two on this blog and I can't say I'm sad about it. I've lived (mostly) in the present these past couple of years and I hope to do that this year, too.

That said, we have a LOT of preparing to do to get ourselves where we need to be...
- Peyton has pharmacy tests to pass.
- There is homeschooling stuff I need to figure out for AP (as in NYC regulations- which apparently are pretty stringent).
- Graves needs to be functionally sleeping in a big boy bed. [OMG, *how* will this happen?!?]
- I need to prepare in a lot of practical, tangible ways.
- And I need to prepare my heart for this. 

So, I'm hoping to be popping in more frequently. Sharing details about the upcoming move (we're on countdown to about a year from now) as they arise and also sharing our dreams and fears as they arise, too.

Big Apple, get ready....a couple of Mississippi belles and beaux are on their way!

BIG Plans for the Little Belle- An Introduction

I've known for awhile that when we moved to New York City in a few years I wanted to have a blog specifically for that year and our adventures in the Big Apple. But lately, I decided it would be fun to go ahead and start it, so that we could have a diary of the whole process from the very earliest planning stages. Let me back up a little bit first.

Peyton has always wanted to live in New York City, or at least he has since I've known him. So, before we got married our plan was to move to NYC before we had children, live there a year or two, and then move back to Mississippi to start our family. Like I said, that was OUR plan. It was not, clearly, God's plan. In his infinite knowledge and grace, the Lord saw fit to make us parents a lot sooner than we expected (about ten months from the day we got married).

We are expecting another baby that will be here next April and we feel so blessed to have this precious family and this wonderful life.

Obviously, all of this has changed things about New York. Several people, including some people really close to us, have either said that they didn't think we would do it or that they didn't think we should do it now that we have a child. That stung. But when people ask me why I am still on board for all this (something I don't really blame them for asking), I tell them one thing:

I am living my ultimate dream right now by staying home with our daughter, in no small part because of Peyton's hard work, patience, and sacrifice. It would not be fair to deny him a similar dream because I don't want to do the hard work of moving across the country, have the patience to live in a tiny apartment with two small children, or make the sacrifice that is living away from many of the people I love for the first time in my life.

I addition, Peyton and I both think that this will be an amazing learning experience for our children and one of the greatest gifts we could give them in their early childhood. Which brings me to an important part of this introduction; THE MAIN CHARACTER:

{Ann Peyton, aka the Little Belle}

So, now you know the "what" and the "why" of our New York City dream. The "how" is primarily what I will be exploring from now on.

***Little sidenote, as we are expecting another baby in the Spring, I know I'll have to do a little tweaking to the title of this blog. But I had already created the header before we even found out I was pregnant, and right now, not knowing the gender, I really can't change it anyway.