Feelings from the First Two Weeks

I've hardly blogged at all since we got here (I've kept up with my Weekly Happenings posts on my regular blog and I wrote one post about our beginings here after the first weekend). While that's been good and maybe even neccessary, I know I'll regret it later if all I have is a record of what we did during this initial time and not a journal of all the overwhelming emotions.

Valentine's marked two weeks that we've been in Clinton Hill. In Brooklyn. In New York City. It's been a HUGE transition for me and some days are great and some days are pretty rough. Awhile back, I sent a Facebook message to Peyton (we couldn't really text well because of issues with his phone) and in it I said "hard is hard, yo". I was being sort of silly, sort of serious. Anyway, it's become a bit of a catchphrase between us and between me and a few of my close friends. I think it's important to keep a perspective on how great my circumstances are, but also to feel the freedom in acknowlding difficulty. So far, everyone around me has been really gracious about allowing me that as well.

That said, it's been overwhelmingly more good than I had really predicted- at least initially.

 I had thought I'd HATE walking so much. Suprisingly, I really don't. For some reason, and maybe it's just in my head, but it's so much easier to walk here (physically) than in Mississippi (I mean, aside from the FEET of snow, ha!). I noticed it when we visited in August and I've felt it now, too. I think it has to do with the incredible humidity back in the MS, but I would get out of breathe so easily (even in cooler tempatures) and it just exhausted me more. It's been REALLY cold (like one night we got in and I freaked out because I couldn't feel my fingers to unzip my jacket and it totally felt like something straight out of a Jack London novel and I knew I was going to DIE) and I haven't had appropriate shoes/clothes because it took so long to get our stuff, but even still...not so bad.

I was also worried about being cold ALL the time, like even inside. Not the case. There are laws governering heat control in NYC and basically heat is included in the rent and it's required to be kept above a certain tempature. Ultimately, it's much more comfortable to me here than what Peyton kept it on back at home. To some people, I think it might be a little too warm- I saw a ceiling fan on in the window of a building across the courtyard! This may not seem like a huge deal, but I'm SUPER irritable when I'm cold. Not really outside, but when I'm in my own house. Like just want to scream irritable. So that was a really big positive.

Speaking of, I love our little apartment so much. This is going to be terribly hard to explain, but there's something about having all my stuff "close" that I love. I'm enjoying our bed being in the middle of the living room with all our books and the one TV and the kitchen literally steps away. It totally reminds me of college and maybe this is weird, but I dig it. Also, the kids' room is working out really well. At our house at home, their room was actually smaller (someone of Facebook assessed the situation quickly after seeing it- they got the master) and their toys were kind of all over the house. Contained and organized, sure, but very spread out. Here the stuff that was in the den and the play kitchen that they didn't even use much because it was in the (off limits to Graves) real kitchen is all in thier room. I really like it being contained that way and in some ways our little flat with the sleeper sofa seems like it may turn out to be a more sophisticated abode because of the lack of excess kid crap everywhere.

I'm loving the small indulgences, as well. We've gotten some really amazing take out and it's been great to just sit and visit with Peyton or watch TV together. At home, we would spend a good bit of time in seperate rooms and even though I'm planning to get the guest room set up with the big computer in there, I hope it will be less of an issue.

Finally, I'm loving the freedom from obligations. While I loved everything we did at home (Annie's school, our church, ect.), it's nice to have a break from that. Peyton has said several times that if nothing else this adventure will be worth it because we can press "reset" and just sort of reprioritize and analyze the places we truly should be involved. This is really huge with him because he has a lot of things he really wants to do and it will be good for him to pull back from some of them (like working extra hours) and reasses. I know we'll get busy with all kinds of stuff up here, but it's been a nice break.  I feel like this paragraph makes me sound super lazy, so I do want to include that like I said above, Peyton and I are spending more time being present with each other. Another thing is that in some ways I feel like I actually talk to some people (my sister, for instance) more than I did before and I love that.

Additionally, Peyton has seemed really happy, accomodating, and quick to compliment me. He seems like he laughs more easily and is just in a wonderful mood. I don't think it's a permanent thing where he'll always be more good-natured in his beloved city, but I think the "reset" thing is really helping him. Also, while I know he misses his coworkers from his store in Byram, his job here is actually much more low stress in the sense that it's a much "slower" store. I don't think either of us realized the toll his job was taking on him at home. Of course, he's getting tons more excercise just walking around and I think that lifts his mood. And I think he's just excited to be here, living a dream!

Like I said, though, this adventure has already been not without hard emotions. It's been more "stress" than "sadness", which is something I hadn't really anticipated. I think a lot of it has to do with how long it's taken/taking to get settled. There's still some left unpack and we don't have access to the storage space (for carseats, cat carriers, ect.) that is part of our lease until March, so we'll kind of be at a standstill even when most of our stuff is unpacked. There have just been some days, especially before our stuff got here (it was almost two weeks) where I just literally felt like I wanted to rip off my skin or punch every living soul I saw in the face. I get sadness and sorrow, but rarely do I get frustrated and angry like that. I'm feeling more and more like myself the further and further along this place comes and those moments were (THANKFULLY) pretty fleeting.

And I know I've been able to take it in stride more than I would have a few years ago. Cookie sent me a text the other night saying how "easy going" I had gotten and I really appreciated her words. It reminded me of the time in Charleston when Annie was about three months old and Cookie told me I had really grown up and wasn't so high maintenance after becoming a mom because I totally acted like a normal person and just ordered something else when they didn't have a grilled cheese on the menu. (FWIW, we had just driven thirteen hours in a Buick with five people, stopping every two and a half hours (per doctor's orders) so I could nurse Ann Peyton. 

That got me thinking. In some ways, I think I handle "big" stressors better than small, daily things that are really no big deal. For example, I told some of my friends that honestly, overall these two weeks were probably less stressful than the week we had to transition Graves out of his crib because he kept climbing/jumping out. For some reason, that sent me into orbit more than this. Probably because it messed up my routine and I couldn't ever see it returning to normal.

Another example is how I used to be (and probably still would be) really uncomfortable taking the kids in a department store in the double stroller by myself. Alot of that had to do with Graves's behavior and how unpredictable he was and how for some reason a store with "carts" were much more in my comfort zone. But, I plopped them in that thing and basically jogged to make our connecting flight two weeks ago and since then I've taken them on a couple of spins by myself- each time involving going down about three stairs at the co-op that there's just no way around. I'm still stratagizing if there's a better way to do that- right now I leave Graves strapped in and make Annie get out and manhandle the thing down the steps, but it looks like he (and I) are about to die and more than anything I'm scared someone going to walk up and chastise me about it. I think that is what it ultimately comes down to for me. Some lady fussed at me about not having them dressed warmly enough and a security guard was rude (two seperate days) and I just take those things to heart. I think that's why I used to be so scared of going in Belk with them or of taking them to friends' birthday parties. I was just SO concerned with being judged by other people. One of my goals this year is to work on letting that not affect me as much.

I will say that I've had a few sad days as well as lots of stressful ones. They've been similar to ones I had at home, though. But there is a sense of lonliness and of fear of the unknown as far as how long we'll be here and such. One thing that has been incredibly helpful is talking and texting a LOT with my friends and family. Another thing that is helpful is knowing that we have friends who are planning to come visit. Ashley and Carrie are coming in May and Cookie and Conrad are coming on Labor Day weekend, I think. Ellis and Minda are also planning to come and those all give me things to look foward to.

One REALLY hard thing I didn't anticipate is how hard my dad is taking it. I knew it would be difficult for my mom and it has been I know, but overall she's coped really well. Daddy's just broken down in tears a few times, though (not in front of me) and that breaks my heart to hurt him that way. He's so incredibly close to Graves (and Ann Peyton, but he and Graves have a special bond) and I know when he sees pictures of his little buddy smiling in the snow it's killing him. Daddy is not one given to much emotion, so I know this is an intense greif he's feeling, if only for a seaon. I told Peyton the other night that by the time we get back home, even if it is only a year, Graves will be a very different little boy. So much changes between almost three and almost four. Again, I'm heartbroken over that. And I'm just very, VERY thankful for modern technology.

The other thing that's been hard has been navigating this with Annie. Graves is mostly excited about any and all adventures so that's really been a non-issue. And Ann Peyton has done great, mostly. But she did get really scared of the subway and she also had one night where she cried and said she wanted to go back to Mississippi. It was a long, hard night but I'm thankful that was mostly it. I realize we're very fortuant to have made the transition so easily, but that one night made me ache for her so badly.

I'm also just really craving more routine. While I've loved being without outside obligations, I'm itching to get back in the game with homeschooling and I'm really ready to start blogging more consistantly. Both kind of stress me out that I'm falling behind and while it's more stress than sadness, I feel like stress inevietably leads to anxiousness which leads to sadness and I think some of sad days are intensified by not having a routine in place.

Again, little things bring me comfort, though. For example, before the move, I seperated a good many toys that just aren't developmentally appropriate for Graves and packed them in a different box. When we unpacked our books, I made a little section of the bookself espesially for Annie to enjoy during Graves's naptime and so far it's been a big success. Little things like that are helping me feel "centered" and like something is in my control.

So much isn't, though, and I know that's a big lesson (maybe THE big lesson) in this adventure.

This is our second weekend here that Peyton's had to work and I still couldn't figure out a way to make church happen for the three of us. There are literally two churches within walking distance- one is an Episcopal one that I think will just lean too liberal for my tastes and one is a Baptist church that I can tell is basically 100% African American. I'm planning to check out both (I'm really open to at least trying anything that is a legitimate Christian church, i.e. not the Church of Scientology or whatever), but I'm planning to do it when Peyton can go with us. Also, in time I know I'll be able to navigate the buses (and hopefully the subway) by myself with the kids and that will open up a lot of options to us.

 I know I'll figure out something eventually, but I really beat myself up (and again, got way to worried about people's hypothetical opinions). Thankfully God has whispered to me (in the voice of a sweet friend and in my own conviction) that He is here in the chaos and that there is abundant grace for a few Sundays not spent the traditional way. I'm certianly praying that the road to our temporary church home is a short one, but I'm finding the Lord in so many new ways in the interim. I'm learning to trust Him more, to talk to Him more, and to let go of being in control.

I'm so thankful for this adventure, if for nothing else the way it's helping me learn about myself, the way it's making me appreciate the relationships I have and stretch myself to form new ones, and the way it's helping me to grow in my faith.

The Things We Leave Behind

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” -A. A. Milne

I've been mostly really excited about NYC lately. Honestly, just the other day I told Peyton that when I flip back through pictures of the city on my phone, it stirs something inside me and I truly can't wait to get back to it. He was about as shocked by those feelings as I was. It's just nothing I expected and I totally attribute it to the Holy Spirit being at work in my life.

That said, this week I've allowed myself to really sit and think on all the things I'm going to miss next year. I know that next year will be such a fun year for our family, but I also know it will challenge me. Likely beyond anything I've ever known. This post is going to sound whiny and I'm sure also ungrateful for such a wonderful opportunity, but just like on my regular blog I want to strive to be true to my feelings.

Here are some things I know I'll miss. The shallow stuff first:
- having a Target basically in my backyard
- having easy accessibility to really anything, for that matter
- the comforts of a relatively small house (as opposed to those of a relatively small apartment)
- a yard (okay, I actually don't think that's shallow, but it's more so than the stuff to follow)

Now onto the important stuff (which is basically all relational):

1. My parents. I'm sure I'll write a whole post on this at some point, but it's just hard. Except for one month when I was a Summer missionary (one of the worst- and most growing- months of my life), I've never lived more than half an hour from home. It's hard to think about. It's hard to think not only about my heart but also about my parents' and our childrens'-- they are so wrapped up in one another's lives.

2. Peyton's parents. We see them less, but we appreciate and adore them so much. I'm going to miss my in-laws. After a conversation with some friends a while back, I realized it was a blessing I took for granted that I really enjoy living in the same town with my husband's parents. I do and we'll miss them greatly.

3. Our friends. We are hugely blessed to have a handful of close couple friends. The wives in these couple are so dear to me and are truly a support system for me. I was thinking last night about Carrie and how they'll likely bring home their fourth baby after we move. That's really hard for me, y'all. Aubrey and AP were tiny when Carrie and I got to be friends. Aubrey is literally one of those friends Annie doesn't remember her life not including. That's hard in and of itself. And then there's the three other children we have between us. Carrie and I have visited each other in the hospital with each of those three children. I remember Carrie and I having a good laugh when I had Graves in a PAPER SHIRT because he spit up on/pooped on the MULTITUDE of delicate gowns and bubbles I had brought for him. I know she was thinking "Oh, SD, already figuring out the ropes of being a round two momma". I remember how terribly insecure I was during Graves's first few months that were difficult to say the least and how in some ways I felt like I was doing it for the first time. I remember being worried about Annie's behavior at one of her kid's birthday parties and her reassuring me that we were all doing our best and no one was judging me or my parenting. I remember bringing her and David food in the hospital and I remember delivering chili on a particularly rough week one time. I remember analyzing schooling choices for our big girls and not being one bit surprised when they winded up in the same place. I remember the couple dates that though SO infrequent seemed SO natural. And I remember the first few times we talked about adoption. I remember us packing up our entire families and driving eight hours to greet one of dearest friends when she brought her adopted son home. It's really hard for me that I won't be here to welcome this baby home and to offer Carrie a hand when I otherwise could have. It's also painful knowing we could be going through the same journey at the same time were it not for this adventure. Of course, as I've said, I have a peace about waiting. Most days.

4. Trips south. We've tried to get down to see Granny more often lately and (who knows why it took us so long?) we've had the foresight to coordinate these trips so we could see El and Minda. I HATE being morbid, but we only have so long to this as far Granny is concerned. As far the other two...my friendship with El has gotten stronger and richer than it's ever been and I've come to view Minda as a really close friend, too. It's going to be rough to say goodbye to those visits.

5. Annie's school. This one is really associated with a lot of fear. I've grown to love Annie's school more than I can truly articulate. I feel like it's the perfect fit for us and I've had such a peace about sending her there. So it's really sad to leave. But the most difficult part is that space is sort of limited and by leaving we're essentially giving up her spot. It's one of those things that is so hard for me to realize I'm not in control  of, but I really never was.

6. Our church. We've made amazing friendships there and in the last couple of years, Peyton especially has really poured his heart into service for this community. It's going to be hard to leave it. Also, and I want to be careful how I say this, because like I said we've been blessed so much by so many relationships, but...our church went through a time of intense dryness over the past few years. I think there were several factors, but it became a cyclical thing and one thing lead to another and vice versa. Peyton was/is over Adult Discipleship and over those years, he saw little fruit from his efforts, I think in large part because of the lack of support he received. And it really took a toll on him.  It was disheartening to see him so discouraged at times. There were times we even considered that we might should be worshiping at a different place. But ultimately, we felt God leading us to stay. And there WERE times, at least for me, of great confirmation of this- Sunday nights, my Wednesday mom's group, and just various interactions with people dear to us. Anyway, fast forward to this Summer. Appointments went out and our church received two new pastors. It was a time of transition, but it went so well. Change is always hard for me and I adored our old associate pastor so much, so I didn't exactly look forward to it. But, it's been such a blessing. Both our new pastors are men of great integrity and they are both really genuine. Also, they both came into their roles and almost immediately jumped into community life with a level of strong transparency. I think all those things really helped our church grow as a body, and where needed, heal as a body. Additionally, they are both incredibly passionate about their faith. I put it on Facebook but one of my favorite things our new senior pastor, Brother Mitchell does this Welcome! To! The! House! Of! The! Lord!" greeting. He comes in from the back, walks about half way down the aisle and happy-hollers at us about being filled with the light of Christ and shining it into the world. I will never, ever take for granted having a pastor who is passionate for the Gospel and enthusiastic about service to Christ and the world. He's also really active in involving children. Last time we had a baptism, he invited all the kids up front and when Annie put her bread in her mouth and then remembered to dip at communion he was so gracious. He and our associate pastor both sit down on the floor during the children's sermon. Of course, that blesses my heart. And Peyton has already formed a sort of special connection with Owen, our associate pastor. They are both "thinkers", both sort of analytical, and while all our pastors have been (are were being in the case of our last associate) seminary trained, Owen is by far the most "academic" pastor we've had. Of course, that is the kind of spiritual leader that really encourages Peyton in his faith. It's just awesome, the way things have been happening. I'd even go so far as to say (and I do NOT say this kind of thing flippantly) that there's a spirit of revival in the air. I leave the place in tears as often as not and I can see it in other people's faces. Even the music seems different. I honestly didn't expect this to be something I'd miss so much, but I think it may be one of the things I miss the most. It's hard to leave something you just found when it's something you've been longing for and praying over for years.

7. Junior League and the CPC. That may sound weird to y'all, but volunteering and going to League meetings and activities has been a big part of my life this year. I've grown to love serving in these areas and I've made real relationships though both. These two organizations are dedicated to serving children and women and I've found my place in both. It's going to be hard to let go of that. Sitting in our first Junior League meeting this year, I felt such a sense of pride in being part of such an amazing organization that accomplishes SO much for the community. Also, there's something sort of abstract that's really not specific to the two organizations. Namely, they provide me with something I do for me. They give me a purpose outside mothering. I love mothering and  it is the highest calling on my life right now outside the general calling of the Great Commission. But. It's nice to invest my energy in something unrelated to taking care of my children. I realized just recently that in NYC our family will take priority in a way it literally never has. From when Ann Peyton was tiny, I worked at our church's Mother's Day Out program two days a week. Last year was my first not to do that, I tried to involve myself in these other ministries/organizations. While they neither one filled the void MDO left, they do provide adult interaction and an opportunity to serve, both things I'm immensely grateful for. When we're in NYC, there won't be an abundance of babysitters and Peyton's schedule will likely be less flexible and so I know I'll be more limited. Honestly, even if we did have a plethora of babysitters, we need to spend this special year(s) focused on getting the most we can out of the city. I don't want to waste a minute of it, but there are sacrifices to be made. Quite honestly, I'm afraid. One of the hardest things in this parenting journey so far has been the loneliness and isolation. Of course, I know the main contributes to that will be items one through six, but this compounds it.

So those are the things I'm going to miss the most. I'm sure there are others that I haven't even begun to think of. Truthfully, there's a lot I'm scared about in regards to this adventure. My biggest fears aren't what awaits in the big city, though. What I'm most afraid of is the hurt that comes from letting go of the things we'll leave behind. 

Operation Search for Our New Home: Day 1 (Arrival)

We made it! I have to say that I've felt The Lord has been so sweet to me over the last couple of days. First of all, Minnie called me yesterday to tell me that she had run into an old friend at T.J. Maxx who was shopping with her daughter WHO IS MOVING TO NYC FOR SCHOOL and wants to find people to connect with. Minnie said she was so cute and sweet and her mom even said she had been praying for her daughter that she'd find a family of believers in the city that could sort of mentor her. It gives me chills. I really hope we can connect and be an encouragment to each other.

But onto today's events:

We had a pretty rough night with the kids last night. They were up late and then Graves woke up at like four in the morning. It wasn't great. Anyway, we woke up and got ready and Peyton cut the yard....it really needed to be done. My parents came over and my dad took us to the airport after we kissed the kids goodbye. It was tough, but not near as bad as I expected. I've been so worried about the actual flight for some reason (I never worried about flying before I had kids). I actually wrote up a makeshift will at two in the morning before we left:

It's been so long since we've flown! This was the last time-- Annie was tiny and Graves was in my tummy (and was making it hard to keep much else in it). We went to Chicago to see one of Peyton's good friends run the marathon. Our next big trip will be for the wedding of that same friend and we'll have our girl with us again!

Anyway, we got checked in and made it to the gate and had some time to just relax. We were headed to Charlotte first and then onto La Guardia. We boarded towards the end and got the last of the two seat rows. I overheard a girl asking a flight attendent if there were any more seats with two together because she wanted to nurse her baby during take off and landing (the plance was cozy!). So Peyton and I spilt up so she and babykins could be more comfortable. It sounds strange, but lately few things cause me to feel such a sense of purpose as supporting a stranger.

Our flight from Charlotte to NYC had a lot of delays. We ended up visiting with the guy in the seat next to me and he was SO friendly. I know it's an (awful!) stereotype but I just assume Northerners won't be. His kids both live in NYC (he lives in Connecticut) and he gave us tons of advice. When we got off the plane he gave us his phone number. He left the airport but then came back a few minutes later to give us some advice about getting a cab. It literally gave me such a sense of happiness- this being blessed by a stranger. 

Our cab driver was also very friendly and helpful. We finally made it to the "lodge" we're staying at:

The room is tiny and the potty is down the hall. But CHEAP so...yay! 

We ate dinner outside on the sidewalk at a nice Italian restaurant and watched the world go by.

After supper, we walked around Chelsea (the area we're staying in) and called it a night. 

Honestly, I've loved today. We've met so many warm, kind people. And the apartments in this area are really neat- a lot have little flower beds in the front. I'm looking forward to tomorrow! 

Snapshots of a Journey's Begining

It's becoming a new thing for my days to be filled with thoughts of our future in the city. And, I'm realizing, it is for others as well.

Obviously, Peyton and I talk about it a great deal. Pretty much anytime Carrie and I get together, the topic comes up. Sometimes Annie's best friend says something particularly sweet and I get a little tight-chested thinking about ripping her away from a relationship that's becoming more and more real and more and more hers and her little friend's own. Every time I talk to El he tells me what a writing hub the city is. And I get really excited about the culture and the new people we'll meet and all the endless opportunities. This usually also ends with me begging him and Minda to move with us.

And clearly it's on my family's hearts lately, too. I'm starting to see it in tangible ways...

Cookie gave me an old jacket for NYC. And I wore it in our backyard the other afternoon. It was sixty degrees and I was miserable. This is going to be hard in a lot of ways. That said, Peyton has promised me electric blankets and unlimited CuddleDuds. He's a good man, for sure. I'm pretty tickled to be doing this with him.

And Minnie got me this. I wrote a post about my sampler love once on one of my other blogs. They're just very special to me. I know this one will become really meaningful. I'm excited about this adventure, I truly am. And I'm to the point where I can say it may last more than a year. It may last one. It may last three. And I will do my best to embrace every precious second we're given there. But there's no doubt in my mind that the best part will be coming home. [And make no mistake, there's a part of me that knows "home" is wherever Peyton, AP, and Graves are. But there's a part that knows another level of home. And that's here in Mississippi, and I think it always will be. This topic will likely become a whole post in itself at some point.]