Halloween 2014: Oz Meets Brooklyn and Other Happenings Around the Hill

So I shared this post over on our regular blog a couple of months back. I realized it was such a "New York experience" type post that I wanted it forever in the archives here as well. So ignore the fact that Halloween was a solid six weeks ago!
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- It's Fall, y'all! And it's beautiful. Sadly, I don't think it lasts very long up here and I'm fully anticipating it to drop and start snowing soon. My back is already nervous tightening over it.

- Since the temperature has already dropped some,they've turned the heat up super high and now the co-op feels like the geriatric unit it is. I'm not sure I've mentioned it, but I truly think the median age at the place is about seventy two. Which is frustrating when they sit in courtyard and tell security that Graves is playing near a window (that has bars on it!) and when they scold me for not dressing the children properly when it's in the fifties. It's also interesting though because some of the residents have been around the neighborhood (and the building) since twenty or so years ago back when Myrtle Avenue (the cross street the cooperative is located on) was nicknamed "Murder Avenue". Eeek. Makes for some interesting conversations, but you'd think it'd give them a bit of perspective on the status of my kids' fingers (mittened or non-mittened).

- We had a friend over for dinner tonight and the apartment was a bit of a disaster. I've never had company over with my home looking as ill prepared for a guest as it did tonight and CERTAINLY not for a first time guest. It's half way through November nearly and I still haven't gotten out the small amount of Fall decorations I carefully chose to bring. I had a small existential crisis where I questioned my worth as a homemaker upon realizing I'm just maybe not a woman who's given to decorating seasonally. At least not unless I really push myself.

- The guy we had over (a friend of Peyton's from his book club) was so kind and fun to be around. He played with our kids and engaged them so effortlessly and was just a really, really interesting person. I had worked myself up over the visit for several reasons besides just the apartment and I had to remind myself of something our friend Owen told us- "hospitality isn't hospitality unless it's a little bit awkward. Otherwise, it's just doing what you naturally do". I guess maybe that isn't true for EVERYONE like it is for me because some people are really gifted in this area, but honestly I do think if we let Him, the Lord can stretch us all in this way.

- I chuckled to myself a bit recently thinking about the state of our apartment. Growing up, my mom would occasionally call mine or Cookie's room (or my car) a Shit Pit if the state of things got really deplorable. [I, at times, viewed my car as a vehicle for rebellion and trashed it for the sake of trashing it. Because that felt "cool". And safer than having sex or doing drugs.] Anyway, I chuckled because while we were all four in Mississippi for EIGHT days, we left the cats completely unattended. We left a bunch of food and water and also left the toilet open for when the water ran out. Peyton actually got a couple of under the bed storage boxes from Target and filled them with liter and set up stations. I didn't experience it (thankfully!) but of course when he got back, it smelled all kinds of awful. A LITERAL SHIT PIT, guys. I haven't really told this to many people because it seems to horrify them when we do, but do y'all know how much it costs to get your pets babysat in Brooklyn? I don't and I don't want to know. And we didn't want to inconvenience a friend. All things considered, it went well. The cats are a good bit fatter from not having their food portioned, but actually Darth has become FRIENDLY even with the children. I guess the long span of time without human contact helped her realize we aren't all bad and she should maybe work with us to overcome her shyness. After six years of knowing we are good people.

- I have made soup three times in the last two weeks (Winter Soup Challenge, guys!) although the one I made tonight for our guest was a repeat because it was so delicious. It has a block of cream cheese in it. I also made salad dressing that has a cup of sugar in it. But the soup also had chicken and corn and beans and the salad had, you know, lettuce so I felt mostly good about it. Honestly, if it's not a frozen pizza or a peanut butter sandwich, I feel mostly good about it.

- One thing we've been excited about since moving is Halloween. We found our really before we moved, back when we were narrowing down neighborhoods, that Clinton Hill is a really fun place to celebrate the holiday. They close off streets to traffic, have trick or treating at businesses along the main road, and have some really intense decorations and theatrical shows. It was definitely a fun night for all of us!

We decided to go with a Wizard of Oz theme. The kids have never seen the movie, but they have some random Happy Meal toys that we acquired in the oddest, most Herrington way. About a year ago, a friend of ours who lives in Chicago was getting married and Sweet McFrugal decided to drive us and Annie all the way up there (Graves stayed home with Mick and Minnie, but AP was the flower girl) and back over the span of like seventy two hours or so. Anyway, upon stopping once at McDonalds we discovered they had the cutest Wizard of Oz toys that very much resembled Fisher Price Little People, which our kids adore. So, even though we are decidedly not Happy Meal people, we stopped about five more times to try to attain the whole set. We finished up the trip with everyone, excepting the cowardly lion. Anyway, they love them and especially spend a lot of time discussing Wicked Witch, so we decided it would be a good theme. Initially, I was going to let Graves be her and Annie wanted to be Glinda. But I decided I really wanted us to dress up, too, so an old classmate at my high school reunion helped me come up with the ideas for us.

I decided right away to switch Peyton to being Wicked Witch. I Amazon Primed the cape, hat, and face paint at the eleventh hour and it literally came to our door an hour before we were trying to leave. I think the hat was pretty amazing, but the face paint was what sold the outfit. He got lots of compliments. I also think that it makes it more fun and interesting that he's a man than if, say, I did it. Cross dressing witch FTW. 

 Annie wore an old princess dress and a crown I made for her (I think) fourth birthday. She and Peyton also whipped up a wand with some aluminum foil and wooden dowels I happened to have (which are ridiculous forr me to even have since along with failing at cleaning, cooking, and decorating my home I'm not the best at crafting, either). Graves wore a monkey costume we got on sale at Old Navy one year after Halloween for like six dollars. He obviously looks nothing like the monkeys from the movie, but he kept doing his "evil face" and I think he was adorable. Which is what matters most (aside from fun). As a side note, this is when we trick or treated down the Avenue formerly known as Murder. It was super fun to go by all the businesses. The one issue I had was with a mother who kept (loudly) voicing her opinion about the audacity of adults who were not in costume and were collecting candy. Um, how about adults don't get candy with or without a costume? That's how we play, anyway. A few minutes later I heard her tell her kid she'd "f*ck him up" over some kind of misbehavior, so at that point I really knew we weren't on the same page.

I was Dorothy's sparkly red shoe. Graves was adamant about telling people I was not DOROTHY, I was her SHOE. Anyway, I brought back one of Minnie's flapper dresses from Mississippi. This thing is literally forty years old. It's been around since probably before the crack epidemic even hit Myrtle. It served me well. Peyton also commented on my headband thing I purchased. He loved it and I told him I was planning to wear it in real life on ordinary days. He said that wow, my style had really evolved. Um...I guess the new (short! dark!) hair, the glasses that fit right in at the geriatric unit, and the piece of mental in my nose didn't give that away?!? Glad the sparkly headband did. And yes, I realize that I look way more Great Gatsby than Wizard of Oz, but I just didn't know how to more effectively execute a shoe costume. 

Peyton really got more pictures of the neighborhood, but if you have a brownstone, by all means you should set up a little jack-o-lantern menagerie in your front garden. 

Upon returning home, Annie promptly changed into her Christmas jams. Apparently, P's store did something similar because they have stacks of Santa Skittles and we got probably fifteen pounds of Halloween candy for thirty cents a bag. Also, Peyton fell asleep in that face paint. Possibly more disgusting than his shit pit idea of not boarding the cats. 

Probably my favorite picture from the night. He looks genuinely terrifying. Annie looks sweet and happy. And his little evil monkey helper is under the cape :)

These days are some of the best and I'm glad for these people to laugh and goof through them together with me. 

Brooklyn Beginnings: Thoughts on the First Few Days in Our New Home

Well, we are HERE. We got here Friday and it's now Monday. And we're getting adjusted (or trying to). I'm trying to really go with the flow, but our stuff from the moving cubes won't be here until Wednesday (just two more full days after today). I think for me, one of the hardest things in the world is feeling "unsettled". I just feel like there's not a lot I can even start to do and the poor children had fun running around a basically empty apartment yesterday, but it's quickly loosing its novelty. Anyway, a few things:

The Good:

- We are HERE. Our whole family is together again. Praise the Lord. And Peyton is being really kind and patient, despite that we're both really tired and easily frustrated.

Friday morning alarms. So not what I'm used to, but we made our seven AM flight. 

- The kids have been so happy to see Peyton and vice versa. Sadly, he's working a lot right at first and I know that's really hard, especially for Annie.

- Speaking of the children, the flight went so smoothly.

- In fact, I was sweating and shaking, but we made our TWENTY FIVE MINUTE connection.

- Also Graves and Annie have really adjusted to their new environment a lot already. Kids are so resilient.

- It's a small step to making the place feel like home, but our Ikea delivery came and Peyton is going to assemble everything soon. We actually started (and finished!) the sofa bed between midnight and two last night (the bad is that poor Peyton had to get up at six to work; the kids and I slept in).

-The apartment is really nice and spacious and I think we'll love it. Here's a little sneak peak (incidentally, Friday was my first peak at the inside of the apartment with the exception of one picture I had seen).

- I did my first several loads of laundry at the co-op laundry room. It's in a different building, but we are SO thankful to have one on the property!

(This was Peyton's laundry from the past month, ha!)

- We got our first big snow! Apparently, precipitation is precipitation and I have a weather headache, but our "yard" looks so beautiful I hardly even care.

The Bad:
- Our huge bag with all our clothes in it got lost. We stood around waiting a long time at baggage claim and then had to file a report and all that. All was fine, though, and I got it the next day. The good is that it was only a minor inconvenience that had me stressed for a little while.

- Things that are really tiny have been so frustrating to me lately. I thought I had also left my make-up bag on the plane. Honestly, I mostly wear stuff from the drugstore and one of the two quality things I had in there was almost totally out. So not a big deal. For some reason, I beat myself up so much about it. I just had been SO proud of myself for keeping up with everything and making our connection. I know that's so silly, but I just let myself get worked up over several things I felt like I did "wrong". Graves had just colored on the wall at the apartment and I felt like I was not holding things together well at all. One thing that is really hard about this state of transition is that things aren't "toddler proofed" at all yet. For example, at home Graves is not allowed to have crayons anywhere but in his booster seat. The day before I got irrationally upset because I felt like the security guard here at the apartment thought I was stupid (I couldn't remember the name of our building and it took me forever to think to just tell him our address, then I couldn't get my door locked or unlocked very quickly or easily and he just seemed frustrated and put out). The good here is that I'm learning a lot about giving myself grace.

- One drawback of the co-op is the lighting situation. There's no overhead lights except in the hallway, bathroom, and kitchen. And Peyton has been and will be working long shifts for a bit, so we haven't had time to get any lamps. For now, after dark, we've been playing in the hall!

- Lastly, I totally thought we had lost Darth when the Ikea stuff was delivered. The good is that we found her!

The kids and I walked up two different sets of thirteen flights of stairs looking for her. I was so heartbroken. She's such a nervous soul and I knew she was terrified wherever she was. 

This was the worst part. Peyton told me to tell her she could look out the window to see if she could spot Darth in the courtyard. I think it is making her feel better. She's been saying thins like "We'll just have to stay forever and look all over this whole city for her" and "I have an idea of something we can do every day- we'll walk around and look for our kitty and then...WE'LL FIND HER!"

She was in a closet. That I had looked in five times. Peyton said I could just say he found her. I said "no, I'll tell whoever". He said "You're so okay with looking like an ass". I said sure. He said he wished he was more that way. I said it was harder for a man, I thought. He said that was true but not good. I agreed. Another Herrington mini convo analyzing gender and perception and intelligence and personality. Missed him so bad.

The Ugly:
- Our apartment was not cleaned the way we were told it would be. Not even close. I'm not the most cleanly person ever, but this was pretty far below my standards. The kids feet were BLACK from the floors. Yuck. We've cleaned some, but there's still more to do. The good is that, despite a few flaws, our land lady and her husband are friendly people who love children and are supportive of our family, unlike some previous places we looked. Which means much more to me than a clean apartment.

- The kids got the stomach bug the first day we were here and we ran out of diapers. I wasn't just going to put them in the stroller and walk around looking for them, especially since I didn't have a DIAPER for Graves. We made do and he wore 4T panties and somehow I didn't have TOO many messes to clean up. The good (the VERY good) in this situation is that it didn't happen on the plane.

The Truth: 
- Changing cat liter, paying bills, calling about a terminated life insurance policy...things I've never had to do myself before. And this week I flew on a plane without another adult with me for the third time in my life (the other two were the second leg of a trip to California in which my dad paid for Peyton to fly with me to Atlanta to get me on my connecting flight and the first leg of the return trip in which Daddy again paid for Peyton to go receive me in Atlanta and safely escort me back to Jackson). It was Ann Peyton's second flight (she doesn't remember her first) and Graves's first. This adventure is making a grown up out of me in a way that nothing, save having my own children, ever has.

- I'm still a little amazed that I flew with the guy in the bear hat below (and his sister, but she's pretty even keel with this sort of thing) on a plane by myself. Honestly? The last time I was this proud of a personal accomplishment was almost three years ago when I pushed his near eight pound body out without the first drop of medicinal aid. Both involved a lot of fear and now both have given me a new sense of confidence in myself and what I'm capable of. If I gain nothing else from this year, it will be a stronger faith in a God who empowers and a deeper sense of what He can do through me if I listen to Him instead of the voices that tell me I'm not strong enough for this.

If he doesn't look ready for an adventure, I don't even know....

- A little order seems to go a long way with me. Today I worked really hard at cleaning the apartment; it took about an hour but I got the filthy bathroom and ONE closet cleaned. Now, I just need to figure out what to do about this floor that's turning the kids feet BLACK. We've used a squirt and scrub mop twice. So naive. Pretty sure I'm about to either get a legit mop or better yet some cheap towels so I can scrub all 800ish square feet of this wonderful little place. I organized what I could and I put things on shelves. I stacked diapers and cleaning supplies and unpacked things I could unpack without hangers and dressers. I also tried to be intentional about observing small blessings around me. 

One of my favorite things so far is this kitchen window right by the stove. I wanted so badly to live in a brownstone, but this feels so "New York" to me-- being able to see the dozens of windows that dozens of other families are living behind.

Another fun perk is that the water out if the tap is freezing cold (I assume because of the climate). And yes, not having any dishes has brought recycling to a whole new level. 

- While it obviously entails a lot more effort here, getting outside today lifted mine and the kids spirits and improved attitudes all around, I think. 

We walked up and down the main street in our area this afternoon. I'm still not brave enough to try to get us to a church by myself! 

This was a pretty nice bonus, too. We may be strolling every day until his room is set up and gated (I tried for an hour yesterday to get him to lay down and rest. It was very frustrating for both if us.)

The one negative thing about our walk was that a lady at the co-op fussed at me as we were coming back because I didn't have on a jacket (I took it off because I was sweating pushing the stroller and was sweating) and because Graves's legs were "exposed". I think I need to make it a goal in 2014 to let things like that roll off my back. I will say that because I was feeling more refreshed and more alive, her comments didn't bother me the way the security guard's attitude had. 

- I guess this post is kind of coming full circle, but the main thing is that I'm just thrilled to all be together and to be starting this journey finally! 

A Kingdom of Love Waiting to Be Reclaimed: Thoughts on The Last Phase of the Search

Over the past year we've done a lot of thinking and talking about where we'd like to end up in the city. You can read more about it here, if you're interested:

The Search (for our new home) Begins- This is where we first started discussing neighborhoods. It's funny to look back at our initial options.
The Search (for our new home) Continues- We got ready for our big trip in August.
The Search (for our new home) Narrows (Part 1)- I sort of went over priorities as far as what we were looking for on the trip.
The Search (for our new home) Narrows (Part 2)- I recapped and ranked each neighborhood we visited on the trip. It helped me process things a lot to do this way- listing the pros and cons and rating them accordingly.

And now here we are! I really meant to write more of my thoughts as we went along, but I just haven't gotten to it. Peyton left on New Year's Eve and I've been solo parenting two kids who've been sick for about half of that time. I also wanted to go ahead and do some "year's end" type posts I like to do on my regular blog.

But, a lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. It all seems like a blur and yet it feels like time is moving in slow motion.

We knew going in we were trying for Clinton Hill or Fort Greene. We also knew we'd extend our search to Carroll Gardens, Cobble Hill, Park Slope, and Prospect Heights if that became necessary.

Right after Peyton got there, we found a listing for an apartment and Peyton said "I think that could be our home". It was in Clinton Hill, but near a border area so it was less expensive, but still safe enough we felt like. And it had a YARD. It was more like a concrete slab, but a patio. I was so impressed and loved it. Well, we found out real fast that it was too good to be true.

Apparently, one thing some brokers do is list things that aren't even really on the market and when you inquire about them they push you toward other similar (or not really similar) properties they are listing. Also, some brokers just have too many listings to manage and aren't able to keep up with them all so they stay on a site for a while after they've been rented. I was sad we weren't getting it, but I knew we were just starting.

Initially, we looked at a few other things and nothing seemed to really fit our needs at all except the co-op in Clinton Hill. I wasn't at all ready to say no to it, but I felt a pull that it wasn't yet time. There are TONS of benefits to it (an elevator, doorman, courtyard, possibly the chance to know our neighbors better than in a brownstone, the community feel, the SPACE AND STORAGE). At the same time, in my opinion, it's an eyesore. If I was going to be living in Brooklyn I really wanted the brownstone-stoop-tree lined block experience.

Then we found this in Prospect Heights and this in Clinton Hill and went back and forth debating the pros and cons of each (proximity to parks/amazing library/laundry place vs. living in a neighborhood we loved). We debated it a bit that night and Peyton messaged brokers about seeing them in the morning. I secretly prayed one would fall through. They both did and I was really disappointed again. I figured surely one would work.

We searched and found a few more things, kept the co-op on the table (we had, at that point, payed the fifty dollar application fee and our broker had taken down the listing, so we knew we weren't going to lose it), and missed another listing I was really interested in. After that, we decided to broaden our search a bit. We still had one potential apartment in Fort Greene and we found one in Carroll Gardens and one in Park Slope we thought might work.

We decided that Carroll Gardens was too expensive for what it was. It was spacious, but the area wasn't as aesthetically pleasing as some and I felt like if we were going to go that route, we might as well stay with the co-op. We loved the one in Park Slope, but all along we felt like the neighborhood wasn't the best fit (it's just not as diverse as Clinton Hill/Fort Greene) and additionally the space was a good bit smaller than what we were looking for and not well laid out.

So that left us with the one on Adelphi Street in Fort Greene. Again, I wasn't sold because the block wasn't as pretty as some others, but I felt like it was a strong possibility. Peyton visited and measured the spaces and it looked good.

The next morning I found a beautiful apartment on a gorgeous block in Boerum Hill that was listed for a hundred dollars more than the top of our price range. I had Peyton contact the guy and was so excited because it was close to SO many things (a nice park within three blocks, a library that was a five minute walk and a public pool that was ten; a short bus trip to Brooklyn Tabernacle and a fifteen to twenty minute stroll to the Fort Greene farmer's market on Saturdays). It seemed IDEAL. Not to mention it had in-unit washer and dryer. The guy called Peyton and told him it was actually two hundred dollars more than what it was listed for. Three hundred bucks a month over the top of our range- not doable. I cried that time. Peyton found a (very!) similar one and inquired about it and it turned out to be another one that had "just rented that morning, but let me show you some options in Carroll Gardens and Park Slope" (aka a fraud). I got upset again.

That morning, Peyton revisited Adelphi Street in Fort Greene and was shown a property on Downing Street in Clinton Hill. We knew from the listings both were good options and we decided we'd either settle with one or go with the co-op. Peyton seemed to like the Fort Greene one more because there was a park across the street and it was a more comfortable environment (while Downing isn't unsafe at all, you do see homeless people frequently as well as unsavory characters and there's more trash around). However, we agreed Downing was prettier from a housing/architectural standpoint. When he visited Downing, he also realized that the storage/space was much better and it had an in-unit washer and dryer, something I had become so undone about that morning (and something I had really not thought was even on the table for almost all of this process). It was higher than what we had decided we'd pay AND someone else was looking at the apartment AT THE SAME EXACT TIME and saying she wanted it. Whoa. The broker took Peyton aside, though, and told him that he had priority because she was showing it to him first. They contacted the landlord and settled on a price we were comfortable with and it seemed all that was left was formalities. We thought we were home.

Y'all know how this story ends. The next day the broker told Peyton they wouldn't rent to us because we had children and I was blown away by it and truthfully, really hurt. Annie asked me what happened (I had told her I thought we had found THE apartment and showed her a picture) and I told her that it just wasn't going to work out for our family. I'd never tell her the reason, but I just felt sick at my stomach thinking that someone would turn us away because of her and her brother. Even though the laws are the same, it's obviously very, VERY different from being discriminated against in other ways, but it was the first time I was never allowed to do something because of the size of our family.

We obviously ended up talking ourselves into the co-op. Actually, I was really undecided and sort of wanted to keep looking. Peyton was set on the co-op and while he really, really wanted a brownstone, he's just more practical and had rationalized it more. Honestly, when it comes down to the wire, he ends up making decisions a lot of the time. Mostly because he's just more opinionated than me (never thought I'd marry someone like that!). Anyway, this was something I wanted to stand my ground on, but I also just wanted to let someone else make the final call. I was texting Ashley and Carrie about it and I told them that I didn't want to automatically let Peyton decide like I usually do and sweet Carrie (who knew how stressed I was) told me "I think when you're so stressed you want to jump out of your skin, that's a great time to defer to your husband".

She put a winky face next to the sentence, but I honestly think the Lord used her to speak to me in that situation. I had been holding in the tears (after hours of crying that morning) and I just burst into sobs. I knew it was going to be okay to go ahead. Ashley said something similar and it was if my friends were giving me permission to let this go. It seemed like so many people were pushing for the other and saying we could make it work and I know they were ALL doing it out of love for me and because they knew how important it was for me, but in the end I think I needed someone other than Peyton to tell me that it was okay to "give in" and go with the co-op.

I still cried a few more times and the weekend was stressful because for a bit we got worried we had somehow lost it, too. But overall, I have such a good feeling about it at this point.

Obviously, I have done exactly none of the leg work, which ironically occurred during the great "polar vortex" of 2014. But I will say that this process has been exhausting. Being away from Peyton hasn't been easy, but the solo parenting has, most days, been easier than I anticipated. I credit it all to God's grace and to the kids somehow sliding into this really neat stage where they entertain themselves and each other well and play almost like peers. But the actual process of house hunting has been brutal and I never really expected it to be such. Probably because I didn't realize how much I cared.

At one point during the process, Peyton made me aware that CBS was going to stream Bruce Springsteen's new album that was yet to be released as part of a promotion for The Good Wife, which would contain three songs from the album. We listened to it together, twelve hundred miles between us, and had such an enjoyable time discussing it. These lyrics to my absolute favorite track seemed so fitting. Even though it's a love song, it seemed right for the moment.

Well I woke last night to the heavy clicking and clack
And a scarecrow on fire along the railroad tracks
There were empty cities and burning plains
I am the hunter of invisible game

Sadly, that brownstone was the invisible game that I'm now convinced was completely elusive. In all of Clinton Hill and really all the areas we were comfortable with, I don't think it really existed. Maybe after months we could have found it, but it wasn't there when we needed it. And the truth is, I need my family together more than I need any kind of beautiful home.

Strength is vanity and time is illusion
I feel you breathing, the rest is confusion
Your skin touches mine, what else to explain
I am the hunter of invisible game

I've only cried a few times exclusively because I missed Peyton. But when I read these lyrics, I did. Your skin touches mine, what else to explain? That is why I love Bruce Springsteen. His music makes me fall in love all over again and his poetry is just so intimate without being disturbingly erotic.

Now pray for yourself and that you may not fall
When the hour of deliverance comes on us all
When our hope and faith and courage and trust
Can rise or vanish like dust into dust
Now there's a kingdom of love waiting to be reclaimed
I am the hunter of invisible game

Maybe the most poignant of all. I've said over and over that Peyton and I are in the best place we've seen yet in our marriage. And I just said that our children are in the best place they've been in their relationship with each other, which is quite the statement because they've long been incredibly devoted siblings to one other. But....I wake up every morning, literally every morning, since we decided on the co-op, and have this HUGE excitement about this adventure wash over me. 

 I know there will be days where it is so, so terribly hard. And that's okay. I'm ready for them. I ate frozen mozzarella sticks by myself for dinner last night and they were so incredibly delicious. I thought about the year I nursed Graves despite his dairy intolerance (it was truly of the hardest things I've ever done). And I looked 2014 and a city of eight million people twelve hundred miles away in the face and I told it "you ain't got nothing on this girl". It was a stupidly powerful moment.

But, I know one thing I want from this is that I want to experience it in a way that is hard for me, in my natural abilities. I could go up there and let Peyton have his dream, but do it kicking and screaming and that would be worthless. I want to let this year be a fresh start with some things. I want to be purposeful and intentional, but less uptight. I read through some of Peyton's letters to me from when we were dating (after a teary Invisible Game listening session) and I thought about what a FUN girl I was then. In some ways, anxiety had a hold on me in a way that it doesn't now, but in other ways I was just much more carefree. I want to be her again...

“ . . some moment happens in your life that you say yes right up to the roots of your hair, that makes it worth having been born just to have happen. laughing with somebody till the tears run down your cheeks. waking up to the first snow. being in bed with somebody you love... whether you thank god for such a moment or thank your lucky stars, it is a moment that is trying to open up your whole life. If you turn your back on such a moment and hurry along to business as usual, it may lose you the ball game. if you throw your arms around such a moment and hug it like crazy, it may save your soul.” 
― Frederick Buechner

Now there's a kingdom of love waiting to be reclaimed!

Letting Plan B Settle with Me

Yesterday's post? 

Originally looked like this:

...as in I had it uploaded and typed out and was just waiting for the confirmation from Peyton to post it. 

Is it the prettiest brownstone in Brooklyn? No. But it's the one I thought was going to be our and it felt like, for so many reasons, a perfect fit for our family. 

I'm going to blog about the whole process, but this was the hardest part. We thought we had it. We had negotiated down to a price we were comfortable with, had the cats okay'ed, and were first in line for it. It felt done and I saw it being our home. 

We found out the next day that because we have children we weren't going to get it. Peyton sent a polite email to the landlord reminding him that the same law that protects black people and Jewish people was also created to protect our children. Even though ethically he didn't think what they did was wrong. You know, being a Libertarian and all. But we knew we had lost it. 

I was so deeply disappointed. Honestly, it's been a long time since I've been so devastated and there have really only been a handful of times that I have. Even when I didn't get things I wanted- a part in a play or a spot on the cheerleading squad or whatever, I don't know that it stung this much. I know I've felt this way before when I was younger when I had relationships with boys go sour. The last time I felt something like this was I was pregnant with Graves and we thought, very briefly, we were going to lose him. 

Obviously, that was a good bit worse of a feeling and I feel stupid as shit even making the comparison, but it really hurt so badly. I was so, so disheartened. 

I think some of it was that living in a brownstone had become a big part of my New York dream and sort of a part of what I saw as my future "New York identity". I think, as I sought to find ways to claim this dream for myself, living in a brownstone  living on a "sunny, tree lined block" as all the listings say became a big part of that. I told only Peyton and my closest friends this at the time, but part of me also thinks I got a little too caught up in the perception of things and in other people's opinions. 

I wanted a cute place for people to come visit. I wanted to put pictures of the kids on a stoop on Facebook every other day. I wanted to live in the place my dad raved about when he saw the pictures. I agreed with everyone who swooned over the stoops on Instagram, even though it was completely illogical for our family in so many ways. 

Ultimately, we gave it our best. We basically tried every listing for a brownstone in Clinton Hill/Fort Greene and even allowed ourselves to expand our search outside of the neighborhoods we've loved and been devoted to since August. And we were met with resistance at every turn. 

I took about half a day to sort of mourn the loss of a dream and come to terms with it and I think I'm at a good place now. I know there will be days where I gaze at those brownstones and wish we could have that experience. But, there's so much to be thankful for. 

First of all, I thought of something the other day. ANN PEYTON wasn't our plan A, but she was His. That sweet, precious little girl who saw me in tears and kept saying things like "We can wait for it, you don't have to cry, Momma" and then a few minutes later, "I really think we can find a pretty apartment". What beauty was birthed out of something that seemed to not fit our needs and desires at that point. And what a small thing this is compared to her precious life. 

Secondly, as I said, the co-op is so very advantageous from a practical standpoint. It has elevators (as opposed to the two story walk ups we were seriously considering and the FIVE story walk up we entertained the possibility of momentarily). It's gated and has security guards and honestly, because of that I feel like is probably the safest place in Clinton Hill (which is not at all a "scary" area, but some parts I'd say are "edgy"). It's also...GATED, which is a huge benefit with a very active toddler. I won't be walking out my front door and being right on the street. My mom pointed out that maybe the Lord placed us here for Graves's protection. Additionally, we don't have the concern of trying to deal with space heater type things and the burns that could potentially happen. We have more space than we imagines and a really ideal storage situation. Also, LAUNDRY IN THE BUILDING. Hallelujah! Lastly, we don't have a grumpy landlord who dislikes kids. That's probably the most important thing to me. While I wanted to fight for that apartment we lost, I know ultimately I'd really HATE living in a place where people don't value children and families. I'd honestly be heartbroken to give my money to such a person. The co-op actually has CONCRETE walls and the other night I just really had to tell the Lord thank you for putting us there when the kids were still awake at one in the morning and were still pretty damn loud. I thought to myself maybe those brownstone jerks were right. They'd probably be better off renting to some drunk, fratty millenials than our preschool set. It may seem trivial, but I'm glad that in a time of HUGE transition and upheaval for my children, their volume level and subsequently their activity and excitement level won't be something I'm constantly asking them to change. 

Thirdly, it's truly ironic we ended up in the co-op because back in August, we stumbled up on a block party that was actually put on entirely by the co-op for its residents. I think it's one of the first things that had us so enamored with the neighborhood and to this day; I think it was formative in our decision to live there. Sort of a full circle thing really.

Which brings me to my final consolation. I'm so thankful we found a place we could even afford in Clinton Hill. It's a pretty hip area and fast becoming out of our price range entirely. I think for a moment I lost sight of the fact that we weren't guaranteed any housing option in the eclectic neighborhood we so loved. And honestly, I became entitled and lost sight of how fortunate we are to even be living in this city, let alone our number one choice of desired neighborhood. It's all sort of humbling from that perspective.

And more than that, I get to have the experience of a lifetime with three of the most amazing people in the world. If it were four walls and a roof in Brooklyn and nothing else, I'd have much to be thankful for. 

"In the days of despair you can grow hard

Till you close your mind and empty your heart

If you find yourself staring into the abyss

Hold tight to your loved ones and remember this

This shield will protect your sacred heart

The sword will defend from what comes in the dark

Should you grow weary on the battled field

Well do not despair, our love is real"

["This is Your Sword", a new Bruce favorite]