Operation Search for Our New Home: Day 3 (Fort Greene, Clinton Hill,and Prospect Heights and Prospect Lefferts Gardens)

I didn't blog last night because I don't write if I can't write truth and yesterday the truth hurt too much to write. Basically, Peyton and I had a fuss (not even a fight really) and I went to bed so hurt and lonely. I'll get to that, though. I've got to talk about our great day first.

But before that, I kind of owe Peyton an apology/everyone else an explantaion. In my last post, I talked about how Peyton said Mississippi didn't have any culture. However, he corrected me and said that he was the one who actually talked about the great writers from Mississippi and he was going to bring that up but I interupted him. Pretty much, he was just saying we didn't have much "high art", but we have TONS of great culture (which I agree with and I kind of want to write a whole post about).

Onto our day now...

We had a great day yesterday (Saturday). We didn't get a super early start or anything, so it was midmorning by the time we got going. We took the subway over to Brooklyn and started out in Fort Greene.

 Every time we get on the subway I have these awful daymares about Graves letting go off my hand and jumping off the platform and getting hit by a train. It's irrational (like most all my anxiety triggers), but it feels paralyzing. 

We went to the farmer's market, the Brooklyn Flea, and checked out the streets. 

It was clearly a hit!

Peyton: 8/10 for beautiful architecture, open sky, and weekly markets

SD: 9/10 for gorgeous housing, tree lined streets, and young families. It seemed pretty hipster but we loved it

We had lunch and then headed to Clinton Hill.

 In Clinton Hill, we talked to a few residents, met a realtor for an open house, and then stumbled upon a block party. We talked to two families at the party and both LOVED the neighborhood.

Clinton Hill seemed to have a really great vibe and we were loving Brooklyn.

Peyton: 8/10 for lots of friendliness, diversity and safety. 

SD: 9/10 for a "neighborhood" feel, friendliness, huge smiles and lots of little ones. 

After that we took a bus over to Prospect Heights and walked the streets, talked to a couple of people, and went to the Park.

I can't wait to take Annie here and blow her tiny mind.

Another Brooklyn neighborhood to add to the list!

Peyton: 7/10 for library and park access. 

SD: 7/10 for the same reasons and nice, well kept housing.

Our last neighborhood was Prospect Lefferts Gardens.

I think this is out, pretty much.

Peyton: no score because we didn't have time to revisit and our visit was super short 

SD: 3/10 because I've heard some good things and prices were reasonable but overall I didn't like how urban it felt and the streets we saw didn't seem very family friendly. Proximity to the Botanical Garden is pretty cool, though!

We came home and took naps- it was about six and by the time I woke up and talked to Minnie it was nine. We showered and went out for the night. 

Peyton really wanted to go dancing. There was this cute little bar in Jackson we used to go to and dance and he (we!) miss it. Anyway, the first bar/club was sort of fun. They played a mix of current music and nineties stuff like "Get Low". It was mostly all goofy white people and it was HYSTERICAL. One guy in light khaki cargo shorts and tennis shoes was particularly hilare. I told Peyton I was sure they about to start the "Tootsie Roll".  We had fun and even danced a bit, but couldn't get into it, so we decided to check out another club with eighties music that Peyton was really excited about.

On the way there we ran into this sweet girl. She actually stopped us to say how cute I was (what??) SHE was so cute and bubbly and we ended up talking for several blocks until we got where we were going.

Y'all it was SO loud and SO bright and- this was hardest for me- there were several tranvestites there. I smiled and acted like I was having fun, but it was total culture shock. We danced some and when we left I just broke down and cried. It just made me sad and I was completely overwhelmed. I even told Peyton the next morning that it sort of upset me that one smiled at me. I almost wanted to not like him. I know that is TERRIBLY wrong and this is stretching me in a huge way.

Poor Peyton was so disappointed. I don't really blame him, but I was sad because I tried so hard. I know he just wanted to figure out something where we could have fun and be romantic like the early days. But I just felt awful because I was trying desperately to open my heart to this place and I felt like I was being met with a total lack of support.

We went to bed without talking and I was in tears. I wanted my babies so bad. It's a terrible coping mechanism, but last time we fought I got Graves out of bed and snuggled with him. I think it was good for me to not have that, but it was so hard. I needed to be affirmed and I got increasingly angry with Peyton. I started thinking about the kids I honestly thought (I know this is horrible and NOT really how I feel) "How can they be so amazing and wonderful and be half of him??"

We had a GREAT day today and resolved everything! 

Operation Search for Our New Home: Day 2 (East Village)

We got a slow start this morning (Friday). Peyton had a meeting with a Walgreens manager  around lunch so we decided to stay close to the "lodge". We just took our time getting ready and had a late breakfast and walked around Chelsea (I found out today it's a huge hub for the gay population in the city, which is interesting). Peyton went to his meeting and I stayed in the room and researched some more about Brooklyn.

When he got back we got ready to go out for the day. We spent the whole afternoon in the East Village.

Eating and walking is not my strong suit. 

It was interesting and we both had a pretty good feeling about it. There are some really neat community developments.

Community Center and Botanical Gardens

We actually visited a bit with two different people. With the first lady, Peyton stopped by a car and alarmingly mentioned that there were two sleeping babies inside it. A lady rushed up and told us that they were hers. I was pretty shocked, but after she told us what was going on (it was still questionable in my opinion) we started visiting. She told us a lot about the area and how much she loved it and was very talkative and friendly. The second girl was sitting on a stoop outside a community center. Peyton and I started talking to her and she asked about what the culture and arts were like in Mississippi. Peyton told her mostly about all the great writers from home and discussed how a lot of beautiful stories came out of our state's dark history, mainly acknowledging the racial tension that for so long defined it. [Peyton is really good at reading people and he told me later that he thinks sometimes when people ask about Mississippi "culture" they really want to talk about just that. And of course, he (we) are happy to.]

We also went in several fun shops and ate some and checked out the area park.

Thrifting and I found this on the $5 rack (plus two cute dresses!). Cost of living what?? ;)

The atmosphere on the streets was really neat and varied. I love this city scape.

And I wasn't expecting so much green to be lining this street in Alphabet City. 

But like I said some of the housing stock left something to be desired, so...not sure we'll land here. 

Here's our overall feeling:

Peyton gave the East Village 7 out of 10 for diversity and friendliness of people. I gave it a 6 out of 10 for the same reasons, plus community resources. However, I felt like the housing stock was a bit lacking. 

Something I am sure about is how much I miss these two pumpkins.

She's been telling Minnie all the rules and jumping in puddles; he rubbed peanut butter in his hair and fak-reaked out about the thunder. 

I had my first little breakdown tonight. We are having a GREAT time, but I miss them a lot. Also, I just had one of those panics I get about Graves jumping off the subway platform and being hit by a train. I talked to Minnie and she was about in tears because she loves them so much and I think is really starting to intensely grieve the move. It was just a hard night after a great day. Tomorrow we're checking out some Brooklyn neighborhoods and I'm ready for it!


[Edited for accuracy: the original post read: Peyton told her there was none and I told her well we had some good writers. She asked if we were writers and Peyton told her I loved to write on my blog. I about died. She ran inside to get a piece of paper so I could write down the address, though. Goodness. Peyton is adamant that this is not what happened. I trust him and his perception since he was the one speaking. I want my blog to be an accurate portrayal of our lives, not just a portrayal of what I see of our lives through my own limited vision.]

Operation Search for Our New Home: Day 1 (Arrival)

We made it! I have to say that I've felt The Lord has been so sweet to me over the last couple of days. First of all, Minnie called me yesterday to tell me that she had run into an old friend at T.J. Maxx who was shopping with her daughter WHO IS MOVING TO NYC FOR SCHOOL and wants to find people to connect with. Minnie said she was so cute and sweet and her mom even said she had been praying for her daughter that she'd find a family of believers in the city that could sort of mentor her. It gives me chills. I really hope we can connect and be an encouragment to each other.

But onto today's events:

We had a pretty rough night with the kids last night. They were up late and then Graves woke up at like four in the morning. It wasn't great. Anyway, we woke up and got ready and Peyton cut the yard....it really needed to be done. My parents came over and my dad took us to the airport after we kissed the kids goodbye. It was tough, but not near as bad as I expected. I've been so worried about the actual flight for some reason (I never worried about flying before I had kids). I actually wrote up a makeshift will at two in the morning before we left:

It's been so long since we've flown! This was the last time-- Annie was tiny and Graves was in my tummy (and was making it hard to keep much else in it). We went to Chicago to see one of Peyton's good friends run the marathon. Our next big trip will be for the wedding of that same friend and we'll have our girl with us again!

Anyway, we got checked in and made it to the gate and had some time to just relax. We were headed to Charlotte first and then onto La Guardia. We boarded towards the end and got the last of the two seat rows. I overheard a girl asking a flight attendent if there were any more seats with two together because she wanted to nurse her baby during take off and landing (the plance was cozy!). So Peyton and I spilt up so she and babykins could be more comfortable. It sounds strange, but lately few things cause me to feel such a sense of purpose as supporting a stranger.

Our flight from Charlotte to NYC had a lot of delays. We ended up visiting with the guy in the seat next to me and he was SO friendly. I know it's an (awful!) stereotype but I just assume Northerners won't be. His kids both live in NYC (he lives in Connecticut) and he gave us tons of advice. When we got off the plane he gave us his phone number. He left the airport but then came back a few minutes later to give us some advice about getting a cab. It literally gave me such a sense of happiness- this being blessed by a stranger. 

Our cab driver was also very friendly and helpful. We finally made it to the "lodge" we're staying at:

The room is tiny and the potty is down the hall. But CHEAP so...yay! 

We ate dinner outside on the sidewalk at a nice Italian restaurant and watched the world go by.

After supper, we walked around Chelsea (the area we're staying in) and called it a night. 

Honestly, I've loved today. We've met so many warm, kind people. And the apartments in this area are really neat- a lot have little flower beds in the front. I'm looking forward to tomorrow! 

The Search (for our new home) Continues

So, our big exploring trip to NYC is THURSDAY. Like this Thursday.

In some ways, the trip really snuck up on us, but in some ways it's been a long time coming. We've been planning it for months and it's finally here! I'm sure this is a huge foretaste of what the real thing will feel like in January.

I have to say I'm a little nervous for a couple of reasons. For one thing: pressure. I mean obviously this trip is kind of a big deal. We really want to narrow down the area(s) we'd like to live. I'm okay with coming home and having two or three different neighborhoods on our radar, but what I don't want is to come home as lost and overwhelmed as (or more lost and overwhelmed than) I am now.  

But also I'm nervous because I'm pretty sure it will bring to the surface a lot of emotions. In one way, I know it will actually be (emotionally) harder than the real thing because I won't have my babies. But physically it's going to be a lot easier because I WON'T HAVE MY BABIES. Also, there's just the fact that I know it's going to make everything feel really real. It's actually going to happen...and relatively soon!

If I seem apprehensive it's because I am. I've been really, really looking forward to the trip, but this past week I just got so overwhelmed thinking about it.

At the same time, I know it will be fun to spend time together with just Peyton (we haven't both been a part from Graves for like more than six hours since he was born!). I also know it's going to be good for me to go up there and enjoy what the city offers in a temperate climate and without my two favorite buddies before the real thing happens.

Peyton has worked out the Manhattan itinerary and I've nailed down what we're trying to see in Brooklyn. I have a lot to do tonight and tomorrow to get ready, but I can't wait to see the place we'll call home in a few months!

Oh, and I'm planning to blog each day- probably brief posts. I don't usually do that on trips but for this one it seemed like a fun idea to chronicle this part of the journey!

Transparency in the City

If you read my main blog, you know that I'm pretty much an open book. If I'm struggling with something (except in rare cases and usually when it would involve telling someone else's story) it's there. That's the way I blog. That's the way I write. That's the way I live. It's the only way I know how to do any of it. And it feels right.

But in this space, I have to admit, I'm a little scared. I started a post awhile back that's really not even that big a deal. It's not nearly the most raw thing I've written. It's a "sad" post, but nothing crazy vulnerable. I shouldn't feel worried about publishing it, but for some reason I do.

I think there are several reasons for this. I talked to Ashley and Carrie about it the last time we were together and that was really good for me. Basically:

1. I'm nervous about being transparent with my feelings because I don't want to seem ungrateful for this opportunity. I *know* this is not something that every family can do. Practically speaking, there aren't just a ton of jobs like retail pharmacy where you can just pick up, move for a year (or two...or three) and move back. The thing is, just because something is a blessing and a privilege doesn't mean you don't get to struggle with it and find tension in it. I learned this the hard way with mothering. God has a way of humbling me and he did it big time the last few years. I used to get extremely frustrated when I would here stay at home moms complain about how hard and long their days were. There was one lady in particular who would tell me how hard it was to shuffle her two kids around and I thought "Really? I mean, REALLY?" And now I'm all "Really. I mean, REALLY." And in one sense, I still do understand how it seems ungrateful at best and like privileged drivel at worst. But at the same time, it *is* hard. Just because I'm so fortunate I can stay home with my kids it doesn't mean I won't have hard days. And it shouldn't mean I can't talk about them. And just because Peyton and I get to do this and live our "dream" doesn't mean I don't get to struggle with the hard parts of it.

2. I worry that people will find my honesty annoying because obviously this was a CHOICE. It would be different if we had to move for a job, or we were called to the mission field or whatever. This is not those. But at the same time, many things in life are based on choices, at least on some level, and that doesn't negate the right to be honest about the hard parts of them. I mean it was a choice to marry Peyton and it was a choice to have children (I mean, kind of...it was unexpected with Annie, but we chose to have sex...as most married people do). I talk about the hard parts of those things all the time.

3. It's hard for me to be completely open about my feelings because I've defended this to people SO much. Mostly, people are really encouraging and affirming in our decision to do this. But sometimes, I get the "are you crazy?" looks and "Are you sure?" comments. And to be honest, sometimes they're from people who know me well, who LOVE me well, and are just worried because they know it won't be easy. But, I get to state my case for why this is important, I get to share the the parts I'm excited about, I get to fill my mind with the happy things. And then I get to write scared.

I'm telling myself all this, mostly. And I know I'll probably look back on this post a lot over the next couple of years to remind myself that it's okay.

It's okay to write scared.

It's okay to write nervous.

It's okay to write sad.

But it's also okay to write happy. It's okay to write dreaming. It's okay to write optimistic. And when I do, it doesn't take away my right to write scared, nervous and sad.

I can do both.

I will do both.

Thanks for coming along for the ride.

The Search (for our new home) Begins

I say this a lot but words matter. Most people who know me know how strongly I belief this. And I have to act like I do. I have to live my life in that truth.

I can't act like this is a "trip"-- a brief three hundred and some days interruption to our lives. It is our lives. For a year, maybe more. Part of me likes the former mindset of it being an extended trip. It's more comfortable. It's what I held on to for a long time. But it's really not fair. To Peyton or to our kids or to myself.

So, while in part this will always be my TRUE home, there's also a different, contrasting dynamic at play here, too.  I find myself, unnatural as it may be, attempting to refer to an approximately five hundred square foot apartment in a neighborhood I've likely never seen in a city I've visited exactly once and my children have no real knowledge of as...home. As I should. 

I thought it would be fun to share a few of the neighborhoods we've looked into so far.

Because of their proximity to Manhattan (the epicenter, for Peyton's purposes) we're limiting the search to only two of the outer boroughs plus Manhattan itself. So, the first real decision will be deciding between Brooklyn, Queens, and Manhattan. Brooklyn would be more similar to home, though that's really, really relative. It would just be similar in that we'd have a bit more space, could have a car if we wanted to, and could enjoy things like say, a patio. However, Manhattan has the "experience" and that's really what we're going for.  In talking with a friend who has lived there she said it was a place "like nowhere else on Earth". Which, I fully believe her. Some neighborhoods in Queens would frankly be the most economical options and it has the diversity that we're interested in. But the distance is a factor. Anyway, here are a few of the neighborhoods we've looked into, just so you can kind of have a feel for what we're looking at.

Brooklyn Heights (Brooklyn)
This is probably my favorite so far. The term I'm going to go with is "charm". It's got a lot of history and is full of pre-Civil war houses that have been restored. It a very "short" area, as I've decided to call it in that it's only got a smattering of high-rise buildings and is full of picturesque rowhouses. Not only that, but from certain spots you can see the Statue of Liberty, the Manhattan skyline, and the firework displays across the East River. It's a really short commute to Manhattan and is super safe. A couple of drawbacks for us are the lack of diversity and the lack of a more fast-paced city culture.


Park Slope (Brooklyn)
This is another neat neighborhood. It was actually ranked as the number one neighborhood in New York by New York Magazine in 2010. It's also been included in a list of "America's Ten Best Neighborhoods" in Natural Home magazine. I think it's sort of a middle ground between a place like Brooklyn Heights and a neighborhood in Manhattan. Actually, in recent years it's become home to younger, childless professionals who in previous decades would most likely have lived in Manhattan. Also, because through the years there has been a big immigrant population in this area and because of rent stabilization I would think it would offer some of the diversity we're looking for. In addition, Park Slope has a sizable Jewish population. It's has ample green space, lots of fun bars and restaurants (not that we'll be frequenting bars often) and a nice retail sector. There's a food co-op, a few museums, and a nice library system.  Lastly, it has a stellar public school system. Obviously since this experience was the initial force behind the drive to homeschool, in some ways that doesn't seem very relevant. The one way I see it being relevant, though, is that it likely makes the area more "family centric" than it otherwise would be (i.e. it's not full of only "younger, childless professionals").

Fort Green/Clinton Slope (Brooklyn)
This is right next door to Park Slope. It's similar, but more diverse and less expensive. However, it's crime and public school rating are below average. I'd just have to learn more to see if I'd be comfortable. [Quick sidenote: unless I believe it's a call from God, I will likely never raise my family in a high crime area. That said, I think I could tolerate a slightly higher crime rate if it weren't for Peyton's hours. If he was working a normal eight to five job, that would be one thing, but many nights he won't be home until after ten. Anyway, that's something we have to take into consideration.]

Carroll Gardens (Brooklyn)
Since we won't have a yard per se, the idea of a "beautiful brownstones with front and back gardens" is deliciously appealing.
 
Sunnyside/Woodside (Queens)
I think we've about crossed this one off the list. The main factors that are appealing are the diversity in population (communities of Armenians, Romanians, Indians, Bangladeshis, Chinese, Koreans, Colombians, and Ecuadorans are sprinkled throughout) and the financial element- it's a super cheap option. Both those holding true, it's still very safe and we'd be comfortable there. I think it's just a bit too far from everything, though. 

Tribeca/Soho (Manhattan)
These would be some of our initial "city" options. The culture and the is really appealing. However, to do this in a financially responsible way, I know we'd have to sacrifice space. Probably to an extent I'm not really comfortable with. I'm not even sure why we had them at the top of our "Manhattan" list initially.

East Village (Manhattan)
From what I can tell, this seems to have the most diversity of the neighborhoods in Manhattan.  The price seems moderate (for the area- this is really, really relative). It seems like there's good eating and good shopping. Schools are not great, so there'd be an issue with finding other families there, but truthfully that's going to be an issue in Manhattan period, I think. Also: SO MUCH CULTURAL HISTORY.

Greenwich Village (Manhattan)
This one is on the list solely because I'm fascinated by the cultural history, which is a little bit irrelevant to its current state. It's expensive and I don't think it will really be our style. I'm confident  it won't make the short list.

Lower East Side (Manhattan)
Apparently "the housing stock is pretty run down". So...that sucks. However, there's still hardly any crime. And it's super cheap (by Manhattan standards) and pretty diverse (again by Manhattan standards). It's also a really noisy area with a big nightlife, which could be problematic with kids.  But as one article stated, "...few other neighborhoods offer such a complete New York City experience at this price point", so I think it's worth keeping on the list.

Morningside Heights (Manhattan)
 I'm drawn to this neighborhood largely because while it's in Manhattan it seems like more of a family area. However, it's not hugely convenient, so it might make more sense to just pick something in Brooklyn or Queens if we go this route.

Upper West Side (Manhattan)
This is probably our number one right now. It's close to Central Park, which I know AP will LOVE. However, it's pretty expensive and by some standards "lacks street life".


We're planning a trip up, but that probably won't be until around early Fall. Peyton keeps telling me that I need to be prepared for LOTS of walking. Anyway, I want to do as much research as I can on the front end so we don't waste time on our trip. I'd love to hear opinions if you're familiar with the area.

[ETA: I kind of had to laugh because I realized how (almost absurdly) different some of the options we're interested in are. It almost seems like we've picked out one or two of every possible option. Probably because we sort of have ;) I think that's probably the most fun part to me is that we're getting to do something SO different from our normal. Maybe that means living in a brownstone with a teensy garden. Maybe it means living in a really eclectic, artsy area. Maybe it means living in a mostly immigrant community. I can't wait to find out!]

Being Married to a Dreamer

Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me,
starlight and dewdrops are awaiting thee.
Sounds of the rude world heard in the day,
Led by the moonlight have all passed away.

So last weekend when Carrie and Ashley and I had a chance for some extended conversation, one thing that of course came up was NYC. Ash started asking me more about Peyton's side of it and it occurred to me that I haven't fully talked about the decision in the context of our marriage beyond "This was Peyton's dream, this became our dream...yada yada". Sometimes I think I inadvertently convey that this is a dream he wouldn't be willing to sacrifice on the alter of marriage.

I actually really appreciate Ashley initiating this dialogue because first of all I think she was showing a true desire to better understand what makes Peyton tick. But more importantly, I think this conversation came out of a place of DEEP love and friendship and I think as one of my best friends, she really needed me to confirm to her that Peyton had thought hard about what he was asking of me- how potentially difficult and lonely and even frightening this could be for me. She knows Peyton is deeply analytical and works through most things thoroughly, but she also know he's human (and also kind of flighty in the sense that he loves to get an idea and run with it, let's be honest). And, she also knows, because she's one of my closest friends, that he has extremely high expectations for people. Including his wife. It felt so good that someone cares enough about me to want to talk through these things. It was neat to analyze this all in a safe and encouraging place and also to think about the journey the Lord has had me on and the way he's worked in our marriage and softened my heart to not just tolerate, but appreciate, the dreamer Peyton is. And also to teach me to better serve him by letting his dreams become our dreams.

Anyway, I thought I'd share more of my feelings on this.

The conversation got started as we were talking about Peyton's high expectations. Peyton is a man who has really high expectations for himself and for those around him. Fortuantly, I've never seen this manifest itself in a unhealthy way, but we've had conversations about making sure to find a balance with our children, espesially in the context of our sensitive child. We were talking about the things I often joke about on here and in life- doing cloth diapers, buying fair trade, ect. I think sometimes, I've complained in jest, and while those things have started out as activities and issues he was passionate about, I've never felt like they were burdens he put on me.

This transitioned into his expectations about NYC and would he be able to postpone or even relinquish his dream for my sake, were I to ask him to.

Honestly? I can't say for sure. Because I've never asked him to. And, barring something extreme, I will never ask him to.

Here's the thing-- when we got married, I honestly think me asking him to give up on this (not NYC specifically), but dreaming in general, would have been akin to him telling me he had changed his mind about having children. It was that central to who he was. And at that point, I think he was still adjusting to life with a family. If I'm honest, I really don't think he necessarily thought he would get married/have a family. And I think he was okay with that. For me on the other hand...that's sometimes hard to process. I mean, I know he'd *never* change his life now. But getting married and having kids have always been so central to who I am, it's weird to know I married a man who was different from me in that way. But also kind of cool, because you know, I was cool enough/sweet enough/pretty enough to woo him ;)

Now. That said, he's obviously in a different place. [But that was the place we were in when I made a (very serious) commitment to do this thing anyway, even with young children.] I know without a doubt in my heart if he thought this would be harmful or unhealthy or destructive for our family, he would let it go in a heartbeat. For example, if he wasn't a pharmacist (or another comparable job) and we couldn't realistically find a safe place to life up there, he'd let it go for the sake of me and the children even though he'd probably still do if he was a single guy. But we'd probably still find an urban area to live in, just where the cost of living was less. Or if he thought I couldn't handle it from an anxiety stand point, I know he'd let it go. My grandmother passed away right before our wedding and I was in such a deep state of grief and anxiety that I told him I literally did not think I could leave my family to go out of the country for our honeymoon. Peyton was so tender and full of grace and even though he had planned and paid for the trip, he told me that I didn't have to. We went and it was fine, but him giving me that assurance meant the world.

All that to say, I married him knowing full well what an integral part of him this is. And sometimes, I think he's making the bigger sacrifice by committing to me that we won't live this life indefinitely. I've said before that I'm living my dream by staying at home with the children and I want him to live his, but I get how to some people those are vastly different sorts of dreams. At the same time, both are so connected to who we are and how we've always envisioned our lives. I think probably a better example of asking Peyton to give this up would be him asking me to give up writing (not just blogging, but writing in any venue- even just for myself). It would be so, so hard for me to let that die, even for him. Similarly, I just couldn't ask him to change such a big part of himself.

And, really, I wouldn't want to change him. This is who I fell in love with. When he gets new crazy ideas (the latest is hiking the Appalacian Trial), I just feel like I need to go there with him. I know many (maybe most?) men would not go there with me as far as my anxiety the way he does. He realized long ago that saying "that's irrational" just felt very dismissive to me and now he helps me process through things. I feel like I owe him the same courtesy with his dreams and desires, even though that's such a different thing.

Also, I'm just to the point where I trust him so much (it wasn't always that way). I know he's not reckless and selfish (as Ash pointed out that she knew he wasn't) and at the end of the day if he asks something of me, I desperately want to do it. And because I know he cares so much about the kids and me and would never ask us to do something harmful (though he may, um does, ask us to do something hard), I trust him so completely.

Lastly, I think one reason I know I can commit to this is because of how well Peyton serves others, specifically in this case me and the children. I mentioned that I knew I'd miss having a library so close and he told me that we could add that to our list of housing priorities. I know he'll probably do the bulk of the grocery shopping in the city (as he does now). I've mentioned that I hated the idea of having only his Apple laptop and he told me he'd figure out a way to ship or move the desktop.

I think my friends were also really concerned about how I'd be successful with two really young kids in the city and that's another thing. I'm just going to have to set my standards low at first. If all we can do when Peyton is at work is go to the park and that library, that's fine. We'll do the "big" stuff when he can help us navigate it.

One reason I'm thankful I married Peyton is because of the ways he challenges me and helps me grow. When I was in college, I lived in Tahoe City for a month and it was one of the hardest times in my life, but also one of the most growing. I'm so thankful for that experience even though it all but broke me. And I'm so excited and hopeful for a similar experience (as far as learning to not depend on my family, or even myself, but the Lord), but I cannot tell you the absolute peace that it brings me that I get to do it with Peyton by my side.

This post seems *so* rambly to me, but really I made it as coherent as I could. It feels good to share him with y'all :)